For those of you who live in a different town, or perhaps came up with some bullshit excuse about missing the show, here’s a rundown of what you didn’t see, compliments of our roadie/tail gunner, Captain Fook.

- Past Captain's Log Entries -

May 14/2005 (Calgary AB) @ The Tropicana
The Cripple Creek Fairies arrived at The Tropicana only to discover it had no soundperson or P.A. system. Not ones to bail on a rock & rollassignment or leave hundreds of ladies disappointed they frantically scrambled to piece together a working machine of sonic devastation.
Using me as a battering ram, 66 and Conrad managed to dislodge components of the Fairymobile's stereo system and the onboard air raid sirens. Then, using some fancy welding tricks he'd learned while maintaining the Northern Watchtower Phil constructed a monstrosity of death dealing decibels. So powerful was this contraption that panties hurled towards the stage were stopped mid air and fired back towards the audience where they would knock large chunks of brick from the walls. Nevertheless women fought their way towards the front of the stage as various pieces of clothing peeled away from the sheer volume of the band. Also onhand due to a rip in the space/time continuum was Private Pikkle who had managed to ride a timestream from the future to deliver us some extra power cells for the piecemeal P.A. system. Then the band proceeded to unleash a series of new, soon to be recorded songs from their upcoming album and one by one, everyone in attendance began to shit in their pants (if they were still wearing them) because the tunes were so breathtaking.
After a few hours most of the crowd had dropped from dehydration and were pinned against the rear wall. The CCF hit the final chord and limp bodies slid down the wall to the floor where they lay in a twitching heap of nakedness, arms extended giving the devil horn salute. As I dismantled the speakers the band returned to headquarters where Private Pikkle showed them a copy of their yet to be recorded album. This was good because they still needed a couple tracks and hadn't determined the running order yet. The artwork rules and the songs all hit #1. In fact, it turns out that the new album is a crucial stepping stone that will send the band into stratospheric heights of power and popularity. We suspected as much.

April 21/2005 (Calgary AB) @ The Warehouse w/ The Sights & The Donnas
After years of false alarms, torrid love letters and bungled scheduling The Donnas finally made good on their promises to return to Calgary for a rock & roll makeout session with the Cripple Creek Fairies. With a little help from a fleet of CCF airships the band managed to divert the Donnas tour jet from Europe to Cowtown where they touched down at the entryway to lovers lane. I watched the fleet while the bands went for a romantic midday stroll before taking the Donnas on a sightseeing tour of Calgary. The Donnas were very impressed with all the city had to offer and swooned when the Fairies raced them to the top of the Calgary Tower. The CCF took the stairs while the ladies enjoyed the elevator ride. Of course when the girls arrived at the top they were greeted by sweaty Fairies clutching handfuls of roses.
To cap off the evening both bands decided to level a few of the city's shabbier blocks with an awesome display of majestic rocking at the Warehouse. The CCF went first as they had fondue on the go backstage. Unloading a quick selection of devastating rawk masterpieces they scorched the eyebrows off a rare all ages crowd. Unfortunately some of the band forgot to hold back a bit and soloed so hard that a dozen or so folks in the front row were rendered impotent.
Up next were The Sights from Detroit and then The Donnas. Meanwhile the boys laboured over the fondue pot backstage. Les & Phil hoisted a freshly slaughtered cow in the air while Zero & 66 stripped it of its prime cuts. Conrad stood by with a pot of boiling oil and intercepted flying chunks of beef, which he deflected into the pot with lightning fast karate kicks.
After their set, The Donnas raced backstage to feast on baseball-mitt sized chunks of Alberta beef with their new boyfriends. A few days later when the meat ran out and the last of the oil had been drank and/or applied to glistening bellies both bands decided that it was time to part ways. The ladies had fans demanding their appearance at gigs elsewhere and the CCF's record label was hounding us with phonecalls to get cracking on the new album. So the Fairies gave the girls a lift to the airport, parked out front for awhile and then saw them to the gate where they were arrested for singing "We Are The Bomb" as they waved goodbye. Oh well, off to prepare for another show and then whip off some new masterpieces for the next album. Fook out.

Feb 12/2005 (Canmore AB) @ The Canmore Hotel w/ guests
After once again braving the dangerous wilds of the Rocky Mountains the CCF arrived at the Canmore Hotel for a full night of high-flying rock & roll. There had been a Western Canadian competition to find a suitable opener for the band’s set but after weeks of deliberation the Queen herself had deemed all contestants unworthy and decreed that there would be no opener to sully the evening’s performance.
As we began unloading gear Phil Inne noticed a familiar looking vehicle across the street. Last time we were in town you may remember that 66 lost the Fairymobile during some late night gambling. It seems that the lucky winners had converted it into a mobile wiener stand. Calling themselves “Fairy Dogs” they were set up on the other side of the parking lot where they were doing booming business. Instead of boiling or grilling the wieners, they were allowing them to be cooked by hot licks from CCF albums and selling them for $6 each. They also had an animatronic Le Rouge Baron in a chef’s hat river-dancing on the hood to the delight of a large gathering of children who attempted to throw coins into it’s cursing mouth for good luck.
Once inside the Hotel the band did a lengthy meet and greet, signed autographs and gave a martial arts demonstration for some visiting tourists. Then it was time to rock and the Fairies hit the stage for 2 sets of musical perfection. Waylon Nelson of Agriculture Club (and Trooper) joined the band for a rendition of This Can Only End Badly and members of The Gigantics kept the CCF’s beer rider from overflowing.
Later that evening, some hotel residents mistook CCF bandmembers for Iron Maiden and demanded a hot-hand rematch. Not wanting to let our comrades in Iron Maiden down, we assumed their identities and were victorious. They owe us. Again. Yes we’re looking at you Janick Gers…

Feb 10/2005 (Calgary AB) @ Broken City w/ The Perpetrators
For those of you keeping track, you’d know this was show # 100 for the CCF. To celebrate, the band summoned a Merihim (the demon prince of pestilence) and indulged in some good natured throat punching. The frickin’ Merihim escaped when we were distributing cake & ice cream and we were left Demonless. So, it was back to the summoning circle for us. I didn’t have much blood left to offer but the rest of the band loaded me up with more cake to keep my sugar levels up and we were able to bring forth Agrat-bat-mahlaht, one of Satan’s wives and the Demoness of Whores. Boy, can that bitch party! After doing the old “regurgitating live snakes & bats” trick she levitated up to the ceiling and showered us with acidic demon-wiz.
Later, at the gig we realized that throat punching & bathing in Agrat-bat-mahlaht urine don’t make for the best vocal warm up techniques. Les kept coughing up semi hatched scorpion eggs while Conrad struggled to deal with a locust infestation where the sun don’t shine. The rest of the band soldiered on while trying to ignore the festering 9th degree burns on their inner thighs and hindquarters. Monster Zero also had one of those cake sprinkles stuck in his teeth and had to be sedated after the show after he began to systematically remove his own teeth with a bottle opener.
After the CCF the Perpetrators kicked into their set and the party was hoppin’ until the sudden return of Merihim who managed to spoil everybody’s fun via his uncontrollable bile duct activity and diseasy sphincter blasts.

Dec 14/2004 (Edmonton AB) @ The Sidetrack Cafe w/ The Neckers & The James T Kirks
Hey, did you know that Dec 13 was Phil Inne’s birthday? Neither did we, and that’s why we spent most of the day on the 14th trying to find him. When our street team did finally locate him wandering in a field Northeast of Airdrie it was getting pretty late. Fortunately we were kinda headed in that direction anyway and took a bit of detour to gather his frostbitten ass at a roadside weight scale station.
Soon after, the Fairymobile IV screeched to a halt outside of the Sidetrack Café. Monster Zero, returning from his trip thru the front windshield and into the venue via a suddenly obliterated side door, reported that the scheduled openers had been replaced with The James T Kirks. We were pretty excited because The James T Kirks are actually just members of another band we like called The Uhura’s. We rushed in to catch their set before realizing that they had already finished and we were due on stage in 14 seconds. The band snuck in some quick bullriding while I set up the gear onstage and 13 seconds later the telltale shrieks of Conrad’s organ heralded the beginning of the CCF set. As usual, ladies throughout the building went totally apeshit, waitresses left their posts and visibility became obscured by a shower of panties.
This became kind of problematic when The Neckers took the stage after the Fairies. Guitarist Jim Blood slipped on a silk g-string causing him to accidentally hurl his Warlock Guitar towards Bil the singer who dove out of the way and into Stevie E’s bass tech who was in the middle of operating the pulley system for Steve’s “God of Thunder” routine. The cable slipped, Steve swallowed his mouthful of fake barf and then the harness broke. When he hit the floor his prosthetic leg snapped in half and kicked Brendan in the nuts. Too bad nobody got video footage of this domino effect because it was quite amazing.
At the end of the night we raced the Neckers back to Calgary so the band could assume their undercover identities as reporters for various local newspapers the next morning.

Nov 27/2004 (Calgary AB) @ The Night Gallery w/ C'mon & Les Tabernacles
After consulting our gig history, we realized that it had been almost a year (and 2 member changes) since the band’s last appearance at Calgary’s Night Gallery. We figured that since they’d gone to all the trouble of installing that landing pad on the roof of the building we should at least take them up on their offer to play with Leduc’s king’s of paste-eater pop, Les Tabernacle and legendary North Bay Rockers, C’Mon (formerly Bootsauce for those of you who haven’t been keeping up on your Canuck rock trivia, shame on you btw). (Also, their 7th drummer was in the Silver Rimbey’s who put out a limited edition cassette in 1978 called “Stool of Hard Knox”, if you don’t have one of the 7 tapes they made then you’re a stupid asshole and you have no idea what you’re missing you poor, poor bastards.)
The CCF were up first since they were in the biggest hurry to rock. After subsonic frequencies caused stray dogs to gather outside the Night Gallery, the SPCA were called in to remedy the situation. Unfortunately before they arrived a trio of emo kids were inspired by the odd gathering of canines and decided to form a band called Sea Spots Weep Below.
As the CCF proceeded to the backstage deli tray Les Tabernacle hit the stage and offered up a handful of singalongs dedicated to the baby jesus.
C’Mon capped off the evening by attaining volumes unequalled by anyone the CCF have ever played with. As we left the venue in our dirigible we noticed that the audience below looked like it had been mowed down into a rock & roll crop circle. Nice work C’mon, nice work.

Nov 13/2004 (Canmore AB) @ The Canmore Hotel w/ The Floor
After a long drive from Saskatoon to Canmore the band arrived at The Canmore Hotel to kick out the jams. We were running a bit behind schedule and the crowd was starting to get antsy so the band sent me in first to check out the situation before they made an appearance. On my hands and knees I crawled, unnoticed at the feet of the milling audience, towards the rear office. Once there I informed the booker of the band’s arrival and he went outside to guide the Fairymobile into the secret, underground artist’s entrance.
As The Floor from Edmonton wrapped up their set, the Cripple Creek Fairies rose up from beneath the stage via a large, hydraulic contraption which simultaneously delivered The Floor to their upstairs accommodations. The glorious rock & roll spectacle of this entrance caused many in attendance to soil themselves.
After the gig, 66 did some gambling upstairs with a few of the locals and managed to lose the Fairymobile. We radioed Johnny Bic back at headquarters to come and pick us up the next morning. Somewhere between Calgary and Canmore, Johnny was captured by Sasquatches and is currently still MIA. Instead, the band were airlifted out of the mountains and safely returned to Calgary.

Nov 12/2004 (Saskatoon SK) @ Amigos w/ The Ultimate Power Duo
At the personal request of the Mayor of Saskatoon, the CCF returned to Amigo's, a rock & roll prairie oasis if there ever was one, for his daughter's 19th birthday party. The mayor figured that if his little girl was going to be out in the bars, her first experience should be a totally wicked one. Don't tell him, but she has been sneaking into our Saskatoon shows for years... when we were introduced everyone played along and pretended to be strangers and the Mayor was none the wiser. Good thing he hasn't seen the band's faces tattooed on her hind-parts.

The Ultimate Power Duo hit the stage first. Sometime around the middle of their set, one of them forgot the words to a song and made up some gibberish to cover it up. Coincidentally, the random enunciations matched an ancient incantation which rendered most of the audience invisible. This ranks right up there as one of the strangest turns of events we've ever witnessed. It didn't seem to bother the crowd though as they continued to rock out invisibly. (See pictures)
The CCF hit the stage running. Although it was hard to play on a stage crowded with ghost people, they unloaded hit after hit onto the transparent masses who made their presence known by screaming for more. And more is what they got. As the sun came up, folks hiding in the bar started to become visible again and were promptly ejected by the exhausted staff. Then we loaded up and took Mr. Montana to the hospital where doctors x-rayed his foot. As it turns out, he'd kicked the jam right out of it.